Top 10 worst ideas in "The Rules: How to Capture the Heart of Mr. Right"

I hope the subtitle is literal; I've been looking for
a heart abduction mechanism for ages. 

What follows are pieces of dating advice that are written in a real, live book, unpromisingly titled, The Rules: How To Capture the Heart of Mr. Right. It is still being published in 2012. Presumably, that means that women today are seriously buying and reading it. The Rules act as a repressive counterpart to the The Game; a male equivalent which has spawned a soulless industry of strange, lonely men who share tips on how to best emotionally manipulate women into bed. According to The Rules' blurb, it worked for Beyonce, who after all has managed to put a ring on an absolute hunk.

What are The Rules? There are thirty five of them. Thirty five bits of advice that women are supposed to learn in order that their conduct may be irresistible to men, who will then want to marry them. The central theme of The Rules is passivity, sexily dressed up as "elusiveness" or "mysteriousness". Don't look at men. Don't talk to them. Don't ask them to dance. Don't live with a man. Wait to be approached. Wait to be spoken to. Don't be too opinionated. And don't EVER be available at short notice. Even if you actually are free that evening. Just, for heaven's sake, don't let him see that you have a personality.


The Rules aren't ever backed up by arguments. Instead, we are regaled with horror stories of "aggressive" women who met a sticky end, or rather, had relationships which didn't end in marriage. At one point the story of "Pam", whose relationship ended because she spoke to her partner first (breaking Rule 2: "Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)") is described as "torture". Don't talk to men first, if you do, expect them not to like you. Poor Pam, she is so alone.

Authors Ellen Fein (now divorced) and Sherrie Schneider repeatedly write that following The Rules will attract the husband "you're really crazy about", though it isn't clear at any point quite how it is that altering one's personality to fit a set of prescriptions can be a foolproof method for being thought of as good marriage material by the very man of your dreams (but just "think of being a couple!"). Just for thinking that, I'll probably die alone in my bath, holding a well-thumbed copy of The Rules to my withered, sagging breast. It's a risk I'm willing to take. 

Anyway, here are the top ten most unbelievably awful bits of advice in The Rules. Do enjoy it. Somebody has to.

1. "In a relationship, the man must take charge. He must propose. We are not making this up - biologically, he's the aggressor" 

Actually, I think you'll find that you're making that up.

2. "One of the hardest aspects of dating is figuring out what to say...If you're smart, you'll stay cool and just listen to what he says...Just be there! Remember, men fall in love with your essence, not with anything in particular you say. " 


They literally wrote this: "If you're smart, you'll stay cool and just listen to what he says". That's real dating advice given to women in the 20th century. Just listen to what he says. Just be there. Like a blow-up doll with specially advanced hearing faculties.

3. "You will have to experience a certain amount of discomfort when you can't eat a cream bun and you can't call a man. But you want to be fit and you want to get married so you do what you have to do." 

But cream buns are so tasty?

Sisters, the road to success is long and hard, but one day you too could be both fit and married. But not unless you shed those cream buns and phone calls now. It's going to be tough, but we can do it.


4. "Don't leave the house without wearing makeup. Put lipstick on even when you go jogging!" 


Um, imagine if your almost-definitely-future-husband saw your face without make-up on? Can you imagine? 


5. "Don't act like a man, even if you are head of your own company. Let him open the door. Be feminine. Don't tell sarcastic jokes. Don't be a loud, knee-slapping, hysterically funny girl...when you're with a man you like, be quiet and mysterious, act ladylike, cross your legs and smile. Don't talk so much. Wear black sheer stockings and hike up your skirt to entice the opposite sex!"

This makes me want to run down the road slapping my be-stockinged knees, bellowing lines from Absolutely Fabulous through a megaphone. But then that would probably ruin my chances of getting a husband FOREVER.

6. "Of course, this is not how you really feel. This is how you pretend you feel until it feels real. You act as if!"

Sometimes, even smiling makes my face ache.

7. "You didn't lie in bed depressed, eating cakes before this date." 

I'm lying in bed depressed eating cakes right now, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. If those are even your real names. The experience of lying in bed eating cakes is pretty much the only thing that could make The Rules' stolid prose even remotely digestible.

8. "On the first date, avoid staring romantically into his eyes. Otherwise he will know that you're planning the honeymoon." 

Oh god! He knows! He can read my mind through my eyes! The only thing more desirable than a man who wants to marry me is a man whose telepathic powers can only be foiled if I stare at the floor for the rest of our relationship.

9. "Sometimes we want to call a man we are dating not to speak to him, but just to hear his voice. We feel that we are simply going to die if we don't hear his sexy voice this minute! We suggest you call his home answering machine when he's at work. Hang up before the beep."

I am sitting at home calling your answering phone and hanging up. Just to hear your sexy voice this minute. Or I am going to die. Literally die. I'm not a stalker, I just need to hear your sexy voice or I'm going to die. Oh, just call me Norman Bates and have done with it.

10. "If you didn't do The Rules at the beginning of your relationship, your husband might ignore you, talk to you rudely, or treat you badly. You might wonder, "Is his behavior the result of bad upbringing or something in his past?" Maybe. But we believe it's because you didn't do The Rules...Abuse doesn't happen in a Rules relationship because when you play hard to get and he works like hell to get you, he thinks you're the most beautiful, wonderful woman in the world, even if you're not." 


Did they just claim what I think they just claimed?


So there you have it, laydeez. I hope this inspires you to throw away your panniers of cream cakes and pick up your copies of The Rules. Happy marriages! I'm going to go and lie down with a cake.