PLEASE DO STOP THE MUSIC, I CAN'T STAND IT ANY LONGER

Putting this down in writing will make it seem true.

The reason I have not done any work today (in spite of the fact that work is the only reason I haven't gone home properly yet) is because of the OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD 'MUSIC' THAT IS COMING FROM DOWNSTAIRS.

I complain to them about once every five seconds but it seems to make no difference to the noise. HOW CAN IT BE FEASIBLE TO PLAY GUITAR HERO SO OFTEN, AND THEN HAVE SO MANY GATHERINGS OF PEOPLE? Why can't they speak quietly? Why can't they whisper, and walk on hushed feet? Why do they play guitar hero so well, and the real guitar so poorly? Why when they play music that isn't guitar hero do they insist on playing mostly adolescence classics? It's not that I object to Don't Speak, or the Chilli Peppers back catalogue, it's just that I want to listen to those things when I am reminiscing about being 14, not all the time.

Anyway, in preparation for one day writing something proper proper, akin to a Guardian comment piece (the pinnacle of journalistic achievement), I am now going to at least talk about something other than myself. Are you ready?

Actually it's still a bit about me. Here we go:


ON THE IMPORTANCE OF LESBIAN HAIR


People often* say things like 'lesbians are hairy and only wear dungarees', 'lesbians can't dance', 'dykesrlame' and so forth. To these people I would say - yes, madam, you are a bigoted idiot, but there is something about lesbians that YOU don't know. If you've never been to a lesbian night at a club you won't have realised this, but just think on your (hopefully numerous) lesbian friends. What do they all have in common? I'll tell you: a bona fide scene lesbian will have a bone fide lesbian haircut. It's not a family resemblance concept, girls, it's an atomic fact.

Your average normative teenage girl, let's call her Edwardina, will probably have nice, pretty, long hair. That's because of the sick gendered society we live in. If she wants to be accepted as a real lezza, however, a new social conditioning subset comes into play. Obviously homogenderidentityfacism isn't as powerful as it's hetero equivalent - it might take some time - perhaps even several years - perhaps even a progression of gradually shortening haircuts. In the end the result is the same. Off comes the hair. Edwardina goes overnight from pretty pretty to pretty spiky. Darlings, at least twice I've seen it happen time and time again.

See below for pictorial evidence proving these facts:

Before

LESBIAN

See? That's what happens. It's an essential part of coming out.

So an initial objection you might make is: 'Ray, obviously not all of the lesbians have short hair. Why, I know many a sapphic-ly-inclined (what a disgusting non-word) person with long hair. And anyway, what has hair length got to do with sexual orientation?'

Well, ha, well, you think you're being well clever, right, yeah, but the point is not just the length but the sheer EFFORT and UPKEEP that necessarily goes into maintaining real lesbian hair. Babe, if it's long and you ain't had it cut this week, you won't get a SECOND GLANCE. Don't give me that shit about appearances being irrelevant. You can be wearing ten years ago bad Donna Karen imitation cast-offs (not in a retro way) and sandals and socks with spinach smeared all over your face, but if you've just had your hair cut and preferably WAXED, I promise you'll pull tonight. That's all. Try it out.

This leads me to my final point.


THE FINAL POINT: RAY'S GUIDE TO PULLING AT A LESBIAN CLUB
(derived from much experience of watching others pull at lesbian clubs)

Rule number 1:

a: Cut your hair quite short.

b: Have a reasonable amount of limbs and give a good semblance of life.


Good luck!